For the two weeks until the election I will be posting an open letter every day using the prompts from CAPTAINEVERLAND to provide something nice at a time of heightened conflict and division.
I gather from your constant stream of selfies and FB posts, and your mother whining about you being too high maintenance, that you are alive and well. I wouldn’t know otherwise, because you don’t talk to me. You didn’t even thank me for your dodgy birthday card from Poundland which was bought in the spirit of the Youtuber you like. Are you ashamed to admit you have a big sister and that big sister is me? I’m the sister who arranged for your birthday party at the Aqua bar on the Shard and took your pictures looking like Harvey Specter looking out of his office, thank you very much. I took you to pubs and shops and other nice London places. I’m a cool big sister, even if being a Tory harms your (fake?) communist credentials and self-posturing. I’m the one who set the example for you to become the dapper gentleman you’ve become and your mother complains about, as if the apple fell any far from the tree (#poshmother). I am heartbroken that you didn’t thank me for the card, as if I don’t even exist anymore. We used to have so much fun together! Remember when we watched Adam West’s Batman? Now I feel like I know Matteo Pelli* more than I know you. It’s like being the mother of a teenager, you never really know your children at that age any more. I’m turning into Mother. No, I mean, seriously…it’s like the subject of a comedy, and I’m Jason Bateman. It’s terrifying.
Please don’t forget your still cool, if nearly 30, older sister. You only have one. And that one lives in London.
To quote your father: TVB (he texts like a teenager in the early 2000, and obviously all in caps),
*Matteo Pelli is a Swiss-Italian celebrity who used to present game shows on the RSI when I was a child. He’s a prolific social media user.