For the two weeks until the election I will be posting an open letter every day using the prompts from CAPTAINEVERLAND to provide something nice at a time of heightened conflict and division.
Can I write this as another letter to Andrew Garfield predicated on the assumption that he read the previous letter but obviously can’t reply to it because who would believe him if he did so he’s obviously now my biggest fan and I’ll never know?
Dear Secret Admirer,
I don’t really believe you are there, and if you really are there I don’t know what really is holding you back from being not secret anymore. Unless obviously you are a person in a position of public prominence, married and a Catholic so you don’t do scandals. Because who is a Catholic over 25 and isn’t married? Is anyone left there? Hello? But anyway there are so many ways in which you could be my secret admirer. Maybe you like my work, and my sense of humour without it translating into the desire to take me as second wife in the unlikely and much undesired event of widowhood, it’d still be a secret it you’ve never said. And obviously since everyone must be thinking of the same person, he never said that.
Obviously being well-known, married and a Catholic isn’t the only legitimate reason why, if you are there, you have never said a word. A lot might depend on what being an admirer really mean to you. Why would you want to ruin the perfect image of me in your head by actually talking to me? I mean, I’m the person who has successfully not spoken to the Dr Stanley for years. With friends in common. I can’t judge you from doing exactly the same about me. In fact, while I’m sure my fears that the Dr Stanley will turn out to be really horrible are unfounded, I’m sure I would be a huge disappointment if you met the real me. So you’re better off doing what you are doing. I mean, have you seen the lot who would vouch for my character? Would you really trust them with it?
Truth be told, while I’m usually genuinely nice and friendly to everyone, there are ways in which you can get on the bad side of me and you really don’t want to risk that. Once you’re there, it’s hard for me to stop being annoyed at your very existence. Paying me a polite compliment is always appreciated, and I also like to feel like you pay attention to me as me, and not to me as some ideal figure in your life that likes what you think I should like. That’s when I start having a problem with you. So think carefully, Secret Admirer, before you want to come forward and stop being secret and admiring from afar. Who do you truly admire? Can we really be friends, or you think sending me sickeningly sweet Valentine’s Day cards when I hate Valentine’s Day is a good idea? Because, really, it’s not.
I’m sorry if this sounds mean and demanding and I’ve probably not only put you off from coming forward, but also from admiring from afar, but really you should have seen it coming since I associate myself with the Evil Queen herself (who has yet to make a comment about the nice things I told her on the Best Friend day…).
Still, a heartfelt thank you for your admiration so far.