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    Secret Diary

    Two Weeks Open Letter Challenge – Day 8: To your ex-boyfriend or crush

    For the two weeks until the election I will be posting an open letter every day using the prompts from CAPTAINEVERLAND to provide something nice at a time of heightened conflict and division.
    Today, the conflicts have grown in the aftermath of the terrorist attack in Manchester. I have thought about whether to go ahead with this letter all day, because I mean no disrespect to the people who are grieving or suffering. I wrote this in the aftermath of the Orlando shooting, and I don’t think there is much more to add. Eventually, someone asked me where today’s blog post was. I told them I didn’t know if it was alright to post it, and they told me that if I let the terrorists change how I live my life I let them win. So I’m publishing this, although it’s not the letter as originally intended. 

    Dear person that I really like(d) even though I don’t wish to admit it,
    I hope you’ve been well since we last spoke. I wouldn’t really know, I muted you everywhere because I didn’t want to be reminded that you are somewhere out there, but inaccessible to me. Not that it worked, really, but at least I’m not seeing pictures of your new girlfriend any time soon. I don’t even know why I’m writing to you, exactly, after what happened. I have too much pride to admit that I really cared when you clearly didn’t, and now I’m writing this for everyone to see. I wanted to write this to my ex who never thought I should be anything more than a housewife, because I went my own way and went to university and now I’m about to graduate, but being snarky really isn’t suited to a day like this, when the country is mourning. So I thought I’d go the heartfelt letter route, just because everyone is already crying their eyes out anyway, and I doubt you are giving me any second thoughts and will see this, which is probably for the best because I really don’t want you to read just how much you hurt me.
    I mean, I could have written about so many other people than that specific ex deserving of all the snarky comments for not supporting my wish to become an academic. The one for whom I moved to a different country because I couldn’t see he just didn’t care (although maybe I just really needed an excuse to run away); the one who put his career before me and later regretted it but time cannot go back; the one I don’t really know why things ended up the way they did; the one who promised he would marry me but then left with a lie; the one that I couldn’t push away until 3 years later and the only reason why I’ve done it is well, you (not that I had that much in terms of hopes for us, but you gave me that much confidence); the one who said he couldn’t love me like that and still loved his ex; the one who was just a friend but still hurt me like hell; the one for whom I cried the whole of party conference; the one who really shouldn’t be but is. In a way, choosing the most recent person is logical: it’s a wound that is still open. When people are far away in the past it’s hard to see them as the person you wish was there, holding you as you cry and need comfort. But there is a more personal reason to it: today it just happens I was wearing what I was wearing when I first met you, and the memories of that night hurt a lot. And obviously I feel bad being heartbroken when people are mourning their children, but I’ve had so many thoughts going around my head that I just couldn’t stop, no matter how much I told myself to stop being silly. It’s not that I love you, exactly…you need to know someone to love them, and I’ve never felt like I knew you, but I miss the way you made me feel about myself. And what hurts the most is that I just know you are not sorry about any of this.

    I don’t really know how to sign off, but I guess I genuinely wish you well in life,

    Alessia